What Is Makhoti Bullying?

The term Makhoti refers to a daughter-in-law. Traditionally, being a makhoti comes with expectations – to be respectful, hardworking, and adaptable. However, when those expectations turn into control, humiliation, or constant criticism, it crosses into bullying.

Makhoti bullying is when in-laws (often a mother-in-law or other relatives) use emotional manipulation, disrespect, or social pressure to dominate or demean the makhoti. It’s not always loud or physical – sometimes it’s disguised as “tradition,” “discipline,” or “respect.”

 

What Bullying By In-laws Looks Like

Makhoti bullying takes many forms –  some overt, others more hidden. Common examples include:

• Constant criticism: Nothing you do is ever good enough – how you cook, dress, speak, or manage your home.
• Emotional humiliation: Being spoken down to, mocked, or compared unfavourably to others.
• Excessive control: In-laws dictating your household decisions, finances, or even your relationship with your partner.
• Isolation: Being excluded from family discussions, gatherings, or support systems.
• Gaslighting: Making you doubt your own feelings or perceptions –  “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re too sensitive.”
• Triangulation: Turning your partner against you or creating tension between you and other family members.

On the surface, these behaviours may seem like family disagreements. But when they’re consistent, intentional, and designed to degrade, they become a form of psychological abuse.

 

Why It’s Often Ignored or Excused

Here in South African and many African cultural contexts, respect for elders and in-laws is a core value. This often makes it difficult for makhoti to speak up or set boundaries without being labelled as “disrespectful” or “rebellious.”

Common cultural narratives that silence victims include:

• “That’s just how marriage is.”
• “You must be patient – they’ll come around.”
• “You’re the newcomer; it’s your duty to adjust.”

This pressure to tolerate abuse in the name of family harmony leaves many women emotionally trapped and unsupported. Over time, it chips away at self-esteem and mental well-being.

 

The Hidden Impact On Mental Health

Bullying by in-laws is not just a family issue – it’s a mental health issue. Research on emotional abuse shows that chronic psychological mistreatment can cause:

• Depression and anxiety
• Low self-worth and guilt
• Chronic stress and fatigue
• Sleep problems
• Post-traumatic stress symptoms

Victims often describe feeling invisible in their own homes, constantly walking on eggshells, and questioning their worth. The home – which should be a place of safety –  becomes a space of fear and emotional exhaustion.

If the spouse doesn’t recognise or address the abuse, the victim can also begin to feel emotionally abandoned, compounding the trauma.

 

The Partner’s Role: Silence Is Not Neutral

A crucial element in Makhoti bullying is the partner’s silence. Many spouses –  particularly husbands – struggle to confront their families or draw boundaries out of fear of disrespecting their parents.

However, silence often communicates agreement to the victim.
When one partner allows their family to mistreat the other, it undermines trust, intimacy, and emotional safety in the marriage.

True partnership means standing up against abuse, even when it’s coming from your own family. It means protecting your spouse’s dignity as much as your family’s pride.

 

How To Cope With & Address Makhoti Bullying

Healing from and managing bullying by in-laws requires both emotional awareness and strategic boundaries.

Here’s how to start:

1. Acknowledge What’s Happening: Naming the behaviour as bullying or emotional abuse is the first step. You can’t heal from what you don’t recognise.

2. Communicate Clearly with Your Partner: Have an honest, calm conversation about how the behaviour is affecting you. Focus on your feelings rather than blame –  “I feel hurt when…” rather than “Your mother always…”

3. Set Firm, Respectful Boundaries: Boundaries are not disrespect. They are self-respect. Politely decline situations where you’re being mistreated, and maintain distance where necessary.

4. Seek Professional Support: A clinical psychologist or marriage counsellor can help you process emotions, build coping strategies, and mediate discussions with your partner.

5. Build a Support Network: Talk to trusted friends, spiritual leaders, or support groups. Isolation gives abuse more power – connection gives you perspective and strength.

6. Protect Your Mental Health: Practice self-care through rest, journaling, mindfulness, or therapy. Healing takes time, but self-compassion is key.
7. Breaking the Cycle: Makhoti bullying is often generational. Many in-laws who bully were once victims of the same dynamics – repeating what they experienced. Breaking this cycle means redefining what family and respect truly mean.

 

Creating A Healthier Family Culture

Families thrive when love and respect flow both ways. Here’s what healthier in-law relationships look like:

• Open communication without fear
• Mutual respect for boundaries
• Inclusion without domination
• Empathy for each other’s experiences
• Support for the couple’s autonomy

When families treat their makhoti with kindness and equality, they not only preserve tradition – they strengthen it.

 

Final Thoughts

Bullying by in-laws is often hidden behind closed doors and cultural expectations, but its emotional damage is real. It affects self-esteem, marriage quality, and mental well-being.

This Mental Health Month, let’s start normalising conversations about Makhoti Bullying. Let’s teach that tradition and respect can coexist with dignity and compassion.

If you recognise yourself in this story – you are not alone, and it is not your fault.
Help is available. Healing is possible.
And a peaceful home is something every makhoti deserves.